White History Month – Tim Tebow

Written by PFT Commenter / 07.22.13

Today in White History were going to be taking a look at the career of Tim Tebow and how he has literally changed the game of talking about football.

Pretty fitting you won’t find a more Polarizing player in the NFL these days since he’s got a magnetic personality, he’s white, and his teammates will literally go to the ends of the Earth for him.

Tebow got his education at Florida College which alot of people had as Redflag number 1 but for me the real Redflag was that he won so many games while he was there. It’s like a woman is born with a limited amount of eggs already floating in her vagina, great football players only have a certain amount of wins in there system its just up to them to unlock them at the right times. Peak too soon and you’ll never get it done on NFL Sundays. Peak too late and your going to have lost your job already its not that hard to understand.
For a virgin, Tebow was probably the sluttiest college player of alltime when it comes to his wins. This guy went on a 3-year run that was Cromartie-like folks. If your just letting it all hang out like a floozy dominating Western Kentucky as a 18 year old your going to be damaged goods when your 23 and your trying to get knocked up with a Superbowl against pros with standards. The only saving grace here for Tebow is the quality of his wins though, he has some of the most watchable wins in any given League year. He loses ugly though and thats colored (no offense) alot of the backlash (no offense) against him.

Funny how the only real knock against Tebow is that he’s a White Christian and that makes some people uncomfortable I guess. Thats why its so funny that hes the Malcom X of White History Month in the NFL: He wins by any means necessary (it would be in poor taste to make a shotgun joke since Tebow has proved he can operate in any offense comfortably BTW).

During his stay with the Broncos, Tebow made his alleged red flags look more like the shrouds of Turins the way he brought the Broncos back from the dead that one year and won a playoff game. In one of the most electric postseason games of all time, Tebow threw Dumbarious Thomas open around a Ryan Clarkless Steelers secondary. By the way I’m all for keeping your players healthy but you cant have it both ways. If you cant play above sea-level because of your sickle-cell, you’d better play 4 times as effectively in stadiums with high malaria content like Carolina, Tampa, or Clevelands showers.

Anyways Tebow proved that he could lead, and he could win so long as Teams remember the Tebow Commandments folks:

Remember the Sabbath – Tebow doesnt look like much at practice Tuesday-Friday but he shows up on NFL Sundays and wins thats a fact. So when he’s out there during the practice week with throwing motions that look like the lovechild of Byron Leftwich and the Minute-Hand of a Clock, you have to remember Tebow has the highest adjusted practice vs. When-the-lights-come-on ratios in the history of the NFL

You Shall Have no other Gods – You have to be committed to Tebow. He doesnt work when your going back and forth between him and some Catholic flower-girl deflowerer like Sanchez no offense.

Lets be honest here. Tebow didnt get much of a shot to help the Jets last year since Rex Ryan’s “depth chart” was more geared towards figuring out whether Michelle just got back from Mangold or D’Brickashaw’s house and less geared towards on the field results. Now that Tebows in a system with a countability he’s already producing, There are already 100% less murderes on the team than there were last year and Tebow hasnt even taken the practice field. You know how Denard Robinson is listed as “Offensive Weapon” by the Jags? Well the Pats are going to do them one better and list Tebows position as “Winner” and force teams to gameplan for him and God it would just be the absolute best thing ever.

So today in White History we salute you Tim Tebow, thank you for making it cool again to be a White Christian Virgin Male in America just like Jesus would of been.


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